God & Kazin

"Yet it puzzled me that no one around me seemed to take God very seriously. We neither believed nor disbelieved. He was our oldest habit. For me, He was horribly the invisible head above the Board of Superintendents, the Almighty Judge Who watched you in every thought and deed, and to Whom I prayed for help in passing midterms and finals, His prophetess Deborah leading me safely through so long as I remembered to say under my breath as I walked in the street, 'Desolate were the open towns in Israel, they were desolate, until that I arose, Deborah.' He filled my world with unceasing dread; He had such power over me, watched me so unrelentingly, that it puzzled me to think He had to watch all the others with the same care; one night I dreamed of Him as a great engineer in some glass-walled control tower high in the sky glaring fixedly at a brake on which my name alone was written. In some ways he was simply a mad tyrant, someone I needed constantly to propitiate. Deborah alone would know how to intercede for me. Then He became a good-luck piece I carried around to get me the things I needed. I resented this God of Israel and the Board of Superintendents; He would never let me rest." page 46

"Yet I never really wanted to give him up. In some way it would have been hopeless to justify to myself-I had feared Him so long-He fascinated me, He seemed to hold the solitary place I most often went back to. There was a particular sensation connected with this-not of peace, not of certainty, not of goodness-but of depth; as if it were there I felt right to myself at last." page 47

Sorry those were so long. I felt that they encapsulated not only the essence of Kazin's spiritual and intellectual growth and fears, but many others as well. These passages are very relatable; it's hard for us humans to fully grasp the concept of an infinite and ubiquitous God. If He's listening to ME then how can He also be listening to another person, let alone billions? I also think there's a point in time where everyone questions either their particular faith or the existence of a higher power in general. In Kazin's instance, he was born into a Jewish family and culture and refers to God saying, "He was our oldest habit." Judaism becomes a part of their identity and daily lives and practices, but going through the motions is entirely different than actually having your own spiritual and personal relationship with God. I also like the imagery of his dream with God in a control tower. It's entirely believable yet portrays a scarier side of God, like he's Big Brother rather than a loving Father. Faith, whether strong, weak, absent, or questioning, always plays such a large role in the lives of humans and we've certainly seen that in the autobiographies we've read so far (Mary McCarthy comes to mind). It's just another human element that as a reader I am able to relate to and further understand the author (how many of us can say we've prayed to pass midterms and finals?), even if he's of a different faith.